Wednesday, July 30, 2014

How to NOT Take a Picture of a Cat in the Snow

Hello, this is Guiness the Cat.

Debbi and I are still working on posting to our blogs all those photos from this past winter that disappeared from Bubblews during a website redesign, and we come now to some memories I'd really rather erase from my mind. Debbi said she would handle these pictures, but I said, no way was she going to slander me all over again over on her blog the way she did on Bubblews. Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. I'm calling the shots this time.

You may recall seeing on TV that ridiculous event January 28, 2014 where all that cold, wet stuff fell from the sky on Georgia and all those silly humans who should have been at home minding their own business (like I was) all got stranded on the roads for 24 hours. If you didn't see it on TV, that probably means you were one of those silly humans stuck in your car.

Well, Debbi's commute is from the bed to the computer, so she didn't have to worry about that, and as for me, I'm a cat, so I'm much too smart to be out in that mess to begin with, so we were fine. Debbi thought she was a kid (she's not), and wanted to keep going outside to take pictures of the snow. I just wanted it to go away.

Debbi said all she wanted was one good picture of her cat in the snow.

There is no such thing as a good picture of a cat in the snow. Especially if that cat is me!

So as soon as the snow started sticking, she took me out and plopped me down at the other end of the walk.

Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (I know that because I am very smart and I read a lot.) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you photographic proof of insanity. You can click on the picture to make them bigger.

Note that none of the pictures are over by the driveway where she dumped me in the snow.

11:24 a.m. Tuesday
2:25 p.m.
2:26 p.m.

11:24 a.m. Tuesday

11:25 a.m.

11:25 a.m.

11:26 a.m.
2:24 p.m.

2:24 p.m.

2:34 p.m. Wednesday

5:21 p.m.

6:31 p.m.

Are we detecting any patterns here?

You can read Debbi's version of the story here, but I really don't recommend it:

From Facebook Photos to Snow Jam 2014

Sincerely, Guiness the Cat

(Hey, Debbi, how many more of these winter pictures do we have to do? I'm ready for spring.)

Photos and content (c) 2014 by Debbi Craton and Guiness the Cat. May not be used without permission. All rights reserved.

Of Christmas Past Part 2

Guiness the Cat

Hello, it's Guiness the Cat. Merry Christmas in July again!

If you remember in my last post, I started sharing all those pictures from Christmas 2006 of me and Norma and Nanny and Pa's feet that Debbi was so sad about when they all got vaporized from her Christmas series during the Bubblews website redesign.

They're really cute pictures of us (but then most pictures of us are). Just remember, I've lost a lot of weight since seven and a half years ago. Now that I've laid off the kitty junk food, I'm just right. (Remember to hover over the pictures for more of my opinions about them.)

Guiness the Cat
See all these pretty ornaments? Many of the them were gifts to Nanny from children who had been in her Sunday School class. Some of them came from Debbi's Sunday School and piano students.
All the kids adored Nanny. Most of them like Debbi okay, too, I guess.
Norma the Cat
Nanny would have a cow if she knew Debbi posted a picture of her sock feet.

Norma the Cat
Norma was so pretty.

Norma the Cat
Silent Night

Guiness the Cat
I really don't have all that fuzzy gray. That's just the way light reflects off me sometimes.

Guiness the Cat
The Christmas Queen
Guiness the Cat and Norma the Cat
That ridiculous bow makes me look more like a ballerina than a Christmas present.
I am not a ballerina.

Guiness the Cat and Norma the Cat
I heard Norma ask Debbi, "What is that dingbat doing?"
I think she was talking about me.
I don't know why.

Guiness the Cat and Norma the Cat
A perfect Christmas card shot.

Here are what's left of the original posts. If you came here from there, thanks for coming to look at our pictures. Merry Christmas.

Christmas Past Part 3

Christmas Past Part 4


Sincerely, Guiness the Cat

(Now to see if I can talk Debbi into going Outside where it's summer.)

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Of Christmas Past Part 1

Christmas 2006
Me and Norma, Christmas 2006
Hello, this is Guiness. Merry Christmas!

Yes, I know it's July and it's hot outside. But Debbi was pretty sad about something and I thought I'd cheer her up.

This past Christmas, Debbi did a four-part photo series on Bubblews with pictures from 2006. That was one of my favorite Christmases, and Debbi's, too. It was the first Christmas my sister Norma and I spent with Debbi and Nanny and Pa. There would only be one more Christmas to spend with Nanny and Pa and Norma, because they all died in 2008. The pictures were all very special to Debbi and me, and Debbi really enjoyed writing about them a lot.

The recent website redesign at Bubblews removed almost all the photos from those four posts, and that made Debbi really sad. (It also made her a few other things, but let's not go there.) So I am going to be sweet to Debbi and share the pictures on my blog. (Be sure to hover over the pictures for a few extra comments from me.)

Christmas 2006
Pa liked to put up the Christmas tree and decorate it.
As soon as he got it up, Norma decided this would be a good place to take a bath.

Guiness the Cat
"Whatcha doin', Pa?"
Guiness the Cat and Norma the Cat
"What do you mean, help decorate the tree? I am the decoration."
Guiness the Cat and Norma the Cat
From this level, you can detect evidence of a suspicious nature under the couch
suggesting the existence of young great-grandchildren.
Guiness the Cat and Norma the Cat
"All this decorating is exhausting."
Guiness the Cat and Norma the Cat
The perfect observation spot for keeping an eye on all centers of activity.
Guiness the Cat and Norma the Cat
"Hey! Pa has food!"
Guiness the Cat and Norma the Cat
Yet another picture of Norma.
Guiness the Cat and Norma the Cat
Wow, have I lost weight since then!
There are plenty more pictures in Part 2. Be sure to look at how cute Norma and I are.

Sincerely, and Merry Christmas in July,

Guiness the Not so Fat Anymore Cat

P.S. Here are the posts that I helped Debbi rewrite:

Christmas Past Part 1
Christmas Past Part 2

Monday, July 28, 2014

One Foot Up

The Guiness Blog by Guiness the Cat

It's me, Guiness the Cat here, reclaiming what is rightfully mine.

Never did I give my consent for this photo. And I certainly did not grant permission for it to be used for my embarrassment on Bubblews. After all, I have my career as a famous kitty blogger at stake.

Would you believe Debbi posted this of me and called me a big black blob?

So what if I'm hanging off the couch with one leg hanging down and the other extended straight up against my face? I was comfortable. I slept like that for a long time. That was one good nap.

Debbi claims I turn into a big black blob in pictures because I have little contrast. I am not a big black blob. Debbi just needs to learn to take better pictures of me.

Anyway, I have taken back what is rightfully mine. Now the photo is here on my blog where I'm in charge, and I say I am not a big black blob.


Guiness the Cat

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I'm a Big Help Around the House

The Guiness Blog by Guiness the Cat

This is Guiness the Cat.

Most humans have the misconception that cats are lazy. That is not true. Cats are white collar workers, not manual labor. Cats are thinkers. Cats are intellectuals. We tend toward the creative pursuits such as writing, modeling, advice giving, opinionizing, and comedy.

In the house, we tend to be interior decorators rather than housekeepers, but that doesn't mean we don't help out with the chores every now and then. Mostly in supervisory rolls, of course, but humans need lots of supervision. Some more than others (but I'm not naming any names here of anybody who works for me).

Although I am officially senior management, I do help out around the house on occasion. Read more.


Guiness the Cat.

A Cat's Review of Little Town on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder

Guiness the Cat


Hello, this is Guiness the Cat. I like to read books about cats, and today I'd like to share with you one of my favorites. It's Little Town on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Now there's a good chance you've read this book already, especially if you're a girl human, or used to be. A girl, that is. If you used to be a human, you probably still are. Well, for that matter, you're probably still a girl, too. Although--well, never mind.

Anyway, if you've read the book already, you may be thinking, "I don't remember a cat in that book." That's because you were thinking about all that silly Almanzo nonsense and weren't paying attention to the important stuff.

The cat is right there on the cover, people, and you know that the cover art is always an accurate depiction of what the book is about.

Guiness the Cat

I wrote all about the important stuff on Bubblews. In fact, there was so much important stuff, I wrote a Part One and a Part Two. I'd be tickled silly if you'd go read it--and you'll be tickled silly reading it, too. But look at the pictures here before you go because a website redesign since I wrote my review messed up all my purty pictures.


Guiness the Cat, Expert Book Reviewer


Just click right here to read more:

The Guiness Blog: A Cat's Review of Little Town on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder Part 1

The Guiness Blog: A Cat's Review of Little Town on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder Part 2

Guiness the Cat

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Tutorial: How to Use the Bathroom Scale

This is Guiness.

There are some things that you humans just do all wrong. I have noticed that proper use of the bathroom scale is one of them.

This was the subject of my very first tutorial on Bubblews. And everything was fine and dandy until a website redesign changed how photos are displayed. They didn't just chop my ears off on this one. They chopped my head AND my rear end off, and now I just look like a big black blob in the picture.

This is the way I'm supposed to look:

Guiness the Cat

Am I adorable or what?

Are you a human who has been using the bathroom scale all wrong? If so, read more.

Sincerely, Guiness.

Are You Ready for Some Pictures?

The Guiness Blog by Guiness the Cat

This is Guiness. Life over at Bubblews changed drastically last week with a complete website redesign. While there are some good things about it, the bad thing is that the site is no longer a very photo-friendly site. It's no longer possible to use multiple photos. All the pre-change articles that had more than more than one photo suddenly lost all the extra ones, sometimes taking a lot of text with them.

Debbi and I both had a lot of multiple photo posts there. It's going to take a lot of work to edit them so that they make sense again. Debbi's currently trying to assess the damage, but if you run across one of our posts that just seems all out of whack, would you mind leaving us a comment about it so she can put it on the lists of things to fix? Thanks. In the meantime, just be patient and we'll try to get them redone as soon as possible.

Not only have pictures and texts disappeared into the online abyss, but the ones of me that remain haven't fared very well. They keep chopping my ears off, or writing all over my face. Sometimes they chop my whole head off. That's not good! I like to use my head every once in a while.

The good news is that since I can't plaster my cute face all over Bubblews anymore, that leaves plenty of very cute pictures of me to plaster all over my blog. Be prepared for massive adorability!

Sincerely, Guiness the Cat

Update: This is Guiness the Cat again. Since I first wrote this, many more changes (not for the good) have happened at Bubblews. Debbi and I still write there sporadically, but we have removed most of our content from that site. The good news is I have a special box (I LOVE boxes) on the Guiness Blog where I can put many of my best posts. It's called The Guiness Archives, and you can get to it by clicking on the tab at the top of this page.

The Guiness Blog by Guiness the Cat


Monday, July 21, 2014

10 Things About Me

Hello, it's Guiness the Cat. Since we're just starting to get to know each other, I'd thought I'd let you know a few things about me because otherwise some other things might not make sense. Some are random. Some aren't.

1. I love shot time! Yes, I do! I know liking to get shots twice a day doesn't make much sense, but I'm always up for it. Of course, all the cuddles and kisses and the four treats I get each time don't hurt.

2. I have feline diabetes and take insulin. See? If you didn't know that, you wouldn't know what in the world I was talking about when I say I love shot time.

3. I love my Outside! I love it so much I used it for the background for this blog. Yep, that's my Outside.

4. Debbi doesn't let me go Outside unsupervised, which I find very inconvenient. Something about snakes and cars and wandering off and not coming when she calls me. Which is not true. I do come when she calls me sometimes.

5. I do not like it when Debbi sings to me. I don't, I don't, I don’t. And I tell her about it, too.

6. The vet recently stole three of my teeth. He didn't give them back, either. I had a little trouble talking right for awhile afterwards, but speech therapy got it straightened out.

7. I used to have a kitty sister named Norma, but she's in kitty heaven now.

8. Norma and I didn't always live with Debbi. We were hand-me-down cats.

9. At the moment, I'm seeking advice on how to get white spots off my coffee table after, um, a little, um, unfortunate incident this morning with a hairball. Feel free to comment if you have any ideas on how I can get out of the doghouse.

10. I'm very cute, but that didn't get the white spots off the coffee table.

Sincerely, Guiness.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

I Never Did Introduce Myself

This is Guiness the Cat. I got so distracted in my first post that I never did introduce myself, did I?

Anyway, I am Guiness the Cat. But I already said that. I told you cats weren't good at introducing themselves to strangers.

Here's the article that Debbi wrote to introduce me on Bubblews. She was being very sweet at the time. She does that occasionally.

The Bubblews website just underwent a design change and they chopped my ears off. I'm pretty distressed about it. Being a diabetic kitty, Debbi needs to keep track of what my blood glucose is, and to do that she pricks my ear. So my ears are tremendously important to me. Besides, without my ears, how can I hear when Debbi pops open a can of cat food?

I told Debbi that when I got my own blog, I wanted all my ears to not be chopped off. So long as she takes halfway decent pictures, we should be okay.

That wasn't the picture she meant to use for that post. She meant to use this one, but she couldn't figure out how to get it to load.

It's hard to find good help these days.

Anyway, my ears are fine in that picture. They just wrote on my face.

I told Debbi that no one is going to write on my face on my blog. I'm too cute for that.

Sincerely, Guiness the Cat.

P.S. When I went to share my previous post, Facebook chopped my whole head off. No one told me that being a writer was going to be so dangerous!

You Don't Know About Me

Hello, this is Guiness the Cat. You don't know about me, without you have read a--oh, wait. Sorry. I've been reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn again.

I like Mark Twain. He reminds me a lot of my friend STIX the Cat, except, well, STIX is still alive and writing and Mark Twain isn't. They are two of my favorite authors, and STIX gives mostly wonderful advice except for he clearly wasn't thinking straight on the part about telling a fuzzy black kitty to make homemade orange marmalade. Other than that, he's really smart. (If you click on the part about orange marmalade, it will take you to STIX's advice column and you can see how smart he is for yourself. Except for the orange marmalade/fuzzy black kitty part, of course.)

But that's not important right now. We're here to talk about me. I am Guiness the Cat, and this is my blog. But I guess you figured that out already because right up at the top of the page it says, "The Guiness Blog by Guiness the Cat."

Anyway, I am Guiness the Cat. But I already said that. Sorry. I'm a bit nervous right now. Can you tell? We cats aren't very good at introducing ourselves to strangers.

As I was about to say before Mark Twain distracted me, you don't know me unless you have read about me on I have my own account there (except it's got Debbi's name on it), and I've written a lot of posts called "The Guiness Blog" (which makes a lot of sense when you think about it). I've become quite famous, at least so far as I know, and have lots of adoring fans who think I'm adorable and cute.

Debbi, by the way, is my executive assistant, but that's not important right now.

I really didn't set out to be famous. Then Debbi started writing about me, first on her blog Old Roads Once Traveled, then on Yahoo Voices, then Squidoo, then on Bubblews. Lots of people on Bubblews got to know and love me.

And then one day, Debbi just decided to be lazy and not write and take the day off, like it was her birthday or something. Which is was, but that's not important right now. She said that if I wanted people to read about me, I was going to have to write about me myself.

So I did. And everyone loved me, so I kept it up.

But then a lot of things happened on the site that I was not happy about. I don't write there very much anymore, and I decided to move most of my posts to my own box, I cleverly call it my archives box, and you can see a tab for it on the bar at the top of this page. And that's where I put my very first post. If you'd like to read it, just click this link: The Guiness Blog (How it All Started)

Sincerely, Guiness the Cat