Monday, August 18, 2014

How to Baffle Your Human #843 (A Tutorial Mostly for Dogs Because Cats Already Have This One Covered)

Hello, all you curious kitties and clueless puppies out there. This is Guiness the Cat here to impart more of my feline wisdom.

While looking through some of my posts on Bubblews to see which were missing photos after a recent website redesign removed many of my marvelous mugs, I ran across this goody: "The Guiness Blog: Yet Another Way to Baffle Your Human". I reread it and said to myself, "Guiness, you silly kitty, why in the world did you write that for cats? Cats just instinctively know how to do this stuff."

So I said back to myself (because it's very rude not to reply to someone who is talking to you, not to mention kind of pointless anyway to talk to someone who's not going to talk back), "Well, Guiness, who would benefit from such a tutorial?"

The answer immediately came to me: Dogs.

Not that dogs aren't baffling. I just don't think they know how to do it on purpose like we cats do.

So here is my revised tutorial along with the pictures that were attached to my original masterpiece.

How to Baffle Your Human #843
Try this one at home, pups. (I'll try to use simple words, but feel free to ask questions if there's something you don't understand. I'm used to writing for intelligent cats and semi-intelligent humans.)

1. Pick a wall, any wall. It's more baffling if it's a boring wall.

2. Stare straight at the wall from a distance of no less than four inches. (If you can't count that high, just touch the wall with your nose. That will work fine. Just don't drool on it or the human will make you move.)

3. Keep staring until your human comes to see what you're looking at. Then keep staring some more.

4. Now look away and repeat the following in your head. Don't say it out loud. You don't want the humans to know what you're doing. Ready? "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."

5. Resume staring at the wall. (That means do it some more.) Think about macroeconomics. Yes, I know you don't know what macroeconomics is, but by the time that you figure out that you don't have a clue, a minute or two will have passed. Do not dwell on macroeconomics or the human will lose interest. Their attention span isn't much longer than yours.

6. Glance in another direction for as long as it takes to say "Cats rule, dogs, well, you know." You can say that out loud if you want to. The human will find it very baffling that you think that.

7. If the human asks, "Dogs, well, you know what?", do NOT answer them. You do not want to distract either the human or yourself. Remember, your main focus is supposed to be the wall.

8. Stare at the wall again.

9. Look away and say "Cats rule, dogs, well, you know" again.

10. Look back at the wall.

11. Repeat #2-10 as needed until the human is going batty trying to figure out why you keep staring at the wall, and why you keep saying that cats rule. By this time, they probably will be taking pictures. Encourage this as much as possible, especially if they happen to be using one of those old-timey cameras that use film.

12. Continue as long as your attention span and that of your human can hold out.

It's a very simple trick, but remember, if you don't understand something or my words were too big, please leave a comment with your question and I'll try to explain it more fundamentally. If you need help with commenting, try dictating your question to the cat or parrot or gerbil of the house and let them type it for you.

Sincerely, your guru, Guiness the Cat

Content (c) 2014 by Guiness the Cat. May not be used without permission. All rights reserved, and all that stuff.

Photos (c) 2014 Debbi Craton. May not be used without permission. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Debbi Did Not Take Me to Ruby Tuesday, and I'm Not Happy About It

This is Guiness the Cat.

Debbi went to Ruby Tuesday the other day, and she did not take me. Personally, I find that very rude.

I am not happy about this, not happy at all. You'd think she could have at least brought me home a kitty bag, but no. And do you know why?

Because she ate it all. I didn't even get so much as a shrimp tail to lick.

Debbi says that's because the shrimp didn't have tails, but I'm not sure I'm believing that.

And then she goes to Kroger and buys chocolate milk, corn, and bread. Excuse me? Kitties don't eat chocolate, and I happen to be on a low carb diet. I don't eat bread, and I don't eat corn on the cob--although if she would slather it with butter, I'd be happy to lick it off for her.

Anyway, you can read more about it here:

Sincerely, Guiness the Cat


Content (c) 2014 by Guiness the Cat. May not be used without permission. All rights reserved, and all that stuff.
Photo (c) 2014 Debbi Craton. May not be used without permission. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Debbi and I are Writing for Persona Paper Now!

This is Guiness the Cat.

Debbi and I have found a new writing site that we like a lot. It's called Persona Paper, and it is a lot of fun to write there.

Maybe a little too fun. They gave Debbi italics and font colors to play with. This could get a little out of hand. I mean, just look at her blog after all. They don't know what they're in for.

Here's my new profile page. You can just ignore the fact that it doesn't have my name on it.

Persona Paper is a brand new website that our friend Barb told us about. We met Barb at Bubblews and she's become a really good friend of ours. You'd like Barb. Barb is a sweet Christian lady who is a good writer and likes cats and books. She likes other things, too, like flowers and stuff, but that's beside the point. She takes purty pictures even though she's never taken any pictures of me. You should go read some of her stuff, and not just because she says nice things about me sometimes.

So come on over and see us and give a new website a little support.

Sincerely, Guiness the Cat


Saturday, August 2, 2014

I am Not a Big Black Blob

This is Guiness. One good thing about having all these suddenly homeless Bubblews pictures to rescue is that it gives me the opportunity to take them back from Debbi and tell things the RIGHT way, not the Debbi way.

For instance, she keeps claiming that I turn into a big black blob in photos.

I am not a big black blob. Debbi just takes bad pictures.

She says I have no contrast.

Debbi is the one who keeps taking contrast-less pictures. It's all her fault.

She goes on and on about what a beautiful kitty Norma was, and how easy it was to take all these perfect pictures of her.

To that, I would say pphhbbtpbt if I knew how to spell it.

What's so great about tabbies anyway?

Like in this picture. Debbi claims Norma had recurring dreams of being a hula dancer. Hmmph. And what did she call me? A big black blob.

I am not a big black blob.

I am not a big black blob in a chair.

I am not a big black blob on the porch.


I am not a big black blob in a bag.

I am not a big black blob.


Guiness the Cat